Whosoever wants to live in this world with any degree of inner peace must learn how to deal with hurt feelings. It is so easy for the ego to take offense when people rub us the wrong way. Mastery of the feelings and emotions is at the heart of the yoga science of Self-realization—a basic of spiritual training.

I can speak from experience; hurt feelings and I were no strangers to each other. When I entered the ashram, at the age of seventeen, I was extremely sensitive and suffered much because of it. Guruji represented my spiritual ideal; I wanted above all else to please him, and any time there was a slight change in his tone of voice when addressing me, I was sure he was angry or displeased. Any strong word to me about some area in which I needed to improve caused deep hurt. I thought, “Maybe he does not like me,” and this made me want to withdraw into myself. I had a hard time fighting those moods, and rationalizing didn’t help me: “Well, he could have said something encouraging to me, seeing that I’m feeling down today.”

Often when Guruji called the devotees together and talked to us informally about the spiritual life, I found his counsel addressing exactly some struggle I was going through. On one such occasion I recorded the following:

“Many persons think that they should pity themselves when criticized, and that sensitiveness brings a little relief. But such people are like the opium addict; every time he takes the drug he becomes more steeped in the habit. Be as firm as steel against sensitiveness. Never be touchy or harbor self-pity. An oversensitive person frequently suffers in vain: generally nobody has any idea that he has a grievance, much less what it is. So he feels further hurt in his self-created isolation. Nothing is accomplished by silently brooding over some perceived offense. It is best to remove by self-mastery the cause that produces such sensitiveness.”*

After about three months in the ashram, finally I realized that my self-pitying was not affecting anyone but myself; and I made up my mind: “No more hurt feelings! I am not going to give in to them anymore; they are my enemy. I can’t expect the world to change to keep me happy. It is up to me to change.” That brought such a marvelous understanding. A wonderful sense of freedom comes when you take responsibility for your own feelings, your own happiness and peace of mind.

Master used to tell us: “If you want to be around me, do not expect me to indulge you in your weaknesses and sensitivities. I have no time for that.” I am so grateful he insisted on that spiritual maturity from us. Divine consciousness, the goal of yoga, is attained not merely by practice of meditation, but by conquering the ego’s hold on feelings and emotions.
Of course, it is good to be sensitive in the right way. God has given us senses, a mind, and feelings so that we can relate to others in this world, so that we know we are alive! Feelings motivate the way we react and respond to our environment. God does not intend us to shut ourselves off from that communication with the world. But he expects us to learn to control those instruments. We can communicate through positive feelings—reacting to people and circumstances with love, kindness, understanding, compassion; or through negative feelings—resentment, hatred, anger, jealousy. It is up to each of us to learn that self-control which brings happiness to ourselves and others.

“Sensitiveness expresses itself in a lack of control over the nervous system,” Master went on to say. “A thought of being offended runs through the mind and the nerves rebel against it. In reacting, some persons seethe inwardly with anger or hurt feelings and show no irritation outwardly. Others express their emotions in an obvious and instant reaction in the muscles of their eyes and face—and often in a sharp retort of their tongue as well. In either case, to be touchy is to make oneself miserable, and to create a negative vibration that also adversely affects others. To be able always to spread an aura of goodness and peace should be the motive of life. Even if there is good reason for being excited because of mistreatment, one who instead controls himself in such a situation is master of himself.”

We cannot go through life expecting everyone to be careful with us. As often as you feel hurt by someone, let your thought be, “No matter. Let me give love, let me give understanding.” Constant practice makes for continuous progress. Be happy that God is giving you an opportunity to rise above negative feelings—an opportunity to express love and kindness toward someone who has misbehaved toward you. As Jesus said, turn the other cheek. Gradually, the time will come when you will have such control of your feelings that you will not fall into oversensitivity again.

From audience: An older devotee I know recently told me about two young persons who went to pick her up at the train station. The baggage was heavy, but the younger ones just weren’t thinking and let the older one struggle with getting the luggage into the car. She felt very hurt by their treatment of her.

Daya Mata: That is a natural reaction, but there is a more constructive way to respond. If you are in such a situation, you do not have to allow yourself to be hurt. You can calmly say to the others, “Could I ask one of you to please help me?” There is nothing wrong with politely communicating! Often the problem is just that our companions at any given moment do not know what we are expecting from them, or what we need; but the oversensitive person is quick to take personal offense.

When your feelings are hurt, that means you are thinking of yourself. Try not to let self enter into things so much. Always give others the benefit of the doubt. Say to yourself, “Possibly they don’t understand.” Sometimes it is simply thoughtlessness on the part of others that causes them to say and do things that hurt us, not that they are intentionally being mean. That effort on your part to understand them will help to eliminate your hurt feelings.

As we become less absorbed in the feelings of our own ego, less self-centered, our understanding of others expands; we are not so quick to judge harshly. To be able to put ourselves in other persons’ shoes, feeling what they feel, is the right kind of sensitiveness. As Lord Krishna says in the Gita: “The best type of yogi is he who feels for others even as he feels for himself.”*

The ideal is to rise above oversensitivity in ourselves but never be insensitive to others. To neglect being thoughtful is one of the most common failings in human relationships. For example, if your husband or wife is speaking to you about some personal difficulty or illness, how callous it would be to respond by saying: “Well, that’s your problem.” Such behavior, when persons do not try to empathize with each other, causes so much unhappiness and inharmony.

Whenever we encounter thoughtless behavior from others, let it remind us to be more thoughtful ourselves. Never retaliate with a mean remark. Bite your tongue before you do that! There is nothing more ugly in a human being than a mean streak—the desire to criticize, to say something nasty about someone else. You only punish yourself if you have such a habit, because it is impossible for your thoughts to be close to God when there is meanness in the heart. It doesn’t matter how glowingly you can talk about God, you will never know what He is if you allow that meanness to remain within yourself. Every moment, be watchful in trying to overcome it.

No one can make you a saint; you have to do that for yourself. And you do it by recognizing the blessings in confronting whatever problems or difficulties are presented by the environment in which you have been placed by God and your karma. How are you going to improve and grow stronger unless you meet problems? The divine law of karma, which works ultimately for our benefit, draws together souls of diverse personalities and temperaments and puts them in situations that reveal their weaknesses, so that they have the opportunity to see and deal with their mental and spiritual defects and be healed of them. Divine perfection is already within your soul; but you have to work to realize and manifest it, to rub off the mud of ignorance so that the gold of your soul can shine through. There is a simple way to rediscover the godliness in yourself and others: love.

Understand what love is. It is not possessiveness or expectation of response from others. Love means compassion; it means striving always to give understanding, to be patient, to let others express themselves. If you are asked to give advice to others, then give your opinion; otherwise do not meddle. It is not good to try to cram your ideas down the throats of others. People grow in their own way, in their own time.

We saw such a wonderful example in Gyanamata.* She had endless patience with us young disciples, while ceaselessly trying to help us with her calm wisdom. “I take people as they are,” she said. By that attitude of acceptance she drew out the best in us. She was always compassionate. I never saw her do a mean thing; criticism never flowed from her lips. She just gave us love and understanding. Without conscious intent, she showed us the way to become a saint.

Persons whose minds are strong and positive cannot be affected by any amount of negativity from others. However, just as a loving person attracts and is moved by the love sent by others, so also one whose thoughts are constantly revolving around criticism or meanness makes the mind receptive to all the negative thoughts and behavior of others. The negative person is frequently upset by the darkness or animosity of other individuals, and suffers throughout life from their unkind words and thoughts. That is why it is essential to become more positive—to have more faith, more love, more cheerfulness.

Negativeness generally stems from deep-seated fears. Those fears come from a sense of insecurity. And what produces that insecurity? It stems primarily from a lack of love. It is love that gives the heart and soul a sense of serenity, a healthy psychological and spiritual foundation from which to meet everyone and every circumstance in a positive, constructive way.

Love is the greatest healing force in this world. No human being can live without it; no living thing can live without that vibration of love. Why? Because that is what the Infinite is. Just as each tiny drop of water—whether it is found in the sea or lake or anywhere else—comes from only one source, the ocean, so everything that exists in this universe, both animate and inanimate, springs from only One Source. And the nature of that Source is love. Plants, animals, human beings—all arise from and exist in that Infinite Love; and so all require love, all respond to it.

Human beings who do not receive the normal expression of love will seek for it in abnormal ways. If a child is denied the natural love of parents, family, and others around him, the child will withdraw within himself, but will still have yearnings for love. If that lack of love and caring persists in one’s life, those yearnings will gradually begin to be perverted and express themselves in unhealthy ways: dysfunctional relationships with others; or addiction to alcohol or drugs or food or sensuality; or simply a chronic inability to feel positive or loving or secure.

Those people in your life whose unkindness or negativity have hurt you deeply, whom you fear or who you think do not love you—their suffering is possibly more than what they have inflicted on you; more than you can know. When you meditate and feel God’s peace in your heart, and are in communion with Him, send those individuals your love. That is the highest way to heal yourself of hurt feelings as well as to help those who may have been unkind to you.

From audience: Daya Mata, how would you go about helping a four-year-old boy who has a very pessimistic outlook on life? His grandfather is the same way. No matter what happens to the boy, he thinks he is being mistreated.

Daya Mata: If as a four-year-old, at such an early age, he is showing these traits, it would not be because his grandfather has a similar outlook. These are tendencies he has brought with him from a past life, which attracted him to that family. Those who are pessimistic and have a negative approach to life lack something within. You can help the child to feel a sense of fulfillment and security by surrounding him with positive thoughts and encouragement, and with love. If the problem is so deep-seated that it does not respond to family support, professional counseling should be sought.

Love and positive encouragement do not mean to indulge the child. Many parents do not understand the difference between indulging their children and giving them love. When children are wrong, they need to be disciplined. I do not believe in the idea of letting them have their own way; that is nonsense. Children need guidance, just as a young plant needs a stake to help it grow straight and tall. That is why God gave us parents. But explain to their young minds the reasons for what you ask them to do; do not just force your will on them. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is to tell their children, “Because I said it, do it!” Children may not think the way an adult does, but they think their own thoughts in their own way. You can best help them if you have the patience to explain to them in terms they can relate to. And once you tell them to do something, see that they do it. Do not think, “Well, next time I will make them do it.” But never, ever deal with a child under the emotion of anger or impatience. Parents have no right to vent their tempers on their children. That is wrong; it twists children’s lives. The love that heals is love given with understanding, and with firmness when necessary, so that the child knows that your love stems from deep caring for him.

Every human being needs some goal in life, some philosophy to live by in order to be happy. To me, the easiest and simplest philosophy is the philosophy of love. Love is God, and it is a wonderful thing to make that your life’s goal and struggle to reach it. I have lived by the ideal that I am not dependent on whether anyone gives me love; what is important to me is that I love, that I strive to express the love and divinity that is here within the heart. I have no right to withhold love from other children of God. That is how I feel. When I see people who are very dark with delusion, it grieves me. I feel such sorrow for those who do evil—I think how the Divine is locked within them and suffering because It cannot express Itself. What a tragedy! We can change that evil by giving love. That is what Jesus Christ taught and why he said, speaking from his soul, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”* That was truly a manifestation of divine love.

The better way to change people is by your example, not by your words or trying to force them to go in a certain direction. Become a person of love and understanding, of compassion, kindness, thoughtfulness. Simple acts of thoughtfulness may seem insignificant, but they are so important. Those of us who were with Master remember his thoughtfulness as one of his outstanding qualities. How many times I saw it! The little things he did for us would sometimes bring tears to our eyes, because we never expected that with all his responsibilities he would have time for such things. As the years go by, the Guru is just as keen in my consciousness as if he were right here—because he lives within me. I become intoxicated when I reflect on his divine attributes.

Each day, introspect about how you can live more in thoughtfulness and service to others, and less in the thought of your own comforts, your own self. Try to think more in terms of “Thou, Lord” and less in terms of “I.” You will be amazed at how this devotional remembrance of God, and selflessness and generosity toward those in your environment, will come back to enrich your life—for what we give out, we in turn receive.

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