What was most compelling to you about him?
It was not just the divinity he represented but the timelessness of that divinity. He was like a brilliant flame, and when you were in his presence you always felt something of who you really were as well. He opened hidden doors within you.
Being with him elevated your consciousness.
Always. His presence was so powerful that you knew whenever he arrived at Mt. Washington, even if it was in the middle of the night. Though you were aware of his power, you also knew instantly when you beheld him that he loved you unconditionally. You recognized it—this unconditional, eternal love—as that which you had been seeking your entire life, and you realized that nothing was more important than your attaining the consciousness he possessed. But what he had to do to help us accomplish this goal, that was a different matter!
Administering discipline is always the hardest part of expressing one’s love.
I’m sure it was for him. He used to tell us, “I go through the consciousness of each one of you every night.” This was his way of letting us know he was keeping an eye on our spiritual progress, checking to see if we were “on track.”
I knew I had things to learn but I didn’t always know what those things were. For instance, a few months after my arrival I overheard two disciples talking to each other about their faults. I began wondering if I too might eventually be asked to expound upon my imperfections, so I got busy and made a list of what I thought were my shortcomings.
About two days later I saw Paramahansaji in the hall. “Sir,” I said, “I think I have these faults.” He feigned an expression of dismay, then said, “Oh no, that’s not the way! Just love God.” He was teaching me to not concentrate on my human limitations.
The guru understands you...
The guru is the only one who understands you. I always thought that if I just explained myself clearly people would realize what I was trying to convey to them. It shocked me when they didn’t. Twice Paramahansaji said to me, “Don’t expect others to understand you.” Apparently I needed to hear it twice.
Is that the best advice he ever gave you?
I think everything he told me was the best advice I ever received. He gave me what I needed at the very moment I needed it.
The guru is the pure channel through which everything flows so that we might get to that state of selflessness. If you need a spiritual reprimand to wake you up, to cause you to think more deeply about something, fine! The disciple learns to appreciate these “shakings” because she sees how much she gains from them. Paramahansaji always had a reason for what he did and his training was and is different for each disciple. You often end up doing things you’ve never done before and would usually prefer not to do!
I remember we used to have a head cook who prepared food for the luncheons Paramahansaji hosted every other week at the Hollywood SRF Temple after Sunday services. We never knew beforehand how many guests he would invite to join him, whether there would be six or sixty people at the meal, but this cook was quite adept at handling the situation. When she was called away
to take care of family business, Paramahansaji put me in charge of preparing those meals—I, who had no idea how to cook, much less prepare food for sixty people!
I managed to get a list of the ingredients that went into the curry that was often served, but I had no idea what proportions to use or how to make the dishes. Yet because Paramahansaji had asked me to do this, I’d go into the kitchen the night before a luncheon, peel potatoes, and put them in a pot of water. Then I would stare at the pot and think, “Well, is this too much or not enough?’’ Sometimes I’d add a little water or potatoes; sometimes I’d take a little out. Then I’d add the rest of the ingredients—all unmeasured—and start the pot boiling. Can you imagine?
Somehow, the curry was always acceptable. But what I went through trying to put those meals together!
Once I was given some eggplant to prepare as a side dish for the curry, and by the time the meal was served it had turned quite dark. I pleaded with one of the
disciples serving the food not to give any of this strange looking dish to Guruji, but when he came back into the kitchen he said, “Paramahansaji saw the plates as they were passed among the guests, noticed the eggplant, and said, “Bring me some of that.” Though none of the dish was returned (perhaps the guests thought it was a special delicacy!), I felt certain I would be scolded for my mistake.
Later in the day after he finished his interviews, he said to me, “You made a little mistake, didn’t you?” Knowing the course of our thoughts as he did, he no doubt felt I had suffered enough in anticipation of his displeasure.
The thing is, the guru is sent by God to remove all the subtle mental barriers that prevent us from realizing our own true soul nature. We must be prepared to go through every conceivable experience in order to know our divine potential and to fully appreciate what is really happening to others around us as well.
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